


Music and Memories

by QueenBagelcat



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Brotherly Affection, Brotherly Bonding, Caring Dean, Family, Gen, Inspired by Music, No Slash
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-18
Updated: 2017-07-18
Packaged: 2018-12-03 19:24:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 3,412
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11538840
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/QueenBagelcat/pseuds/QueenBagelcat
Summary: Sam shares the 5 most played songs on his Ipod with his brother.  Complete





	1. Listen

**Author's Note:**

> We see what music has an impact on Dean and so often he makes fun of Sam's taste in music. But we haven't really had a chance to learn about the music the matters to Sam. So here is my take. Potential spoilers for episode 11.04 Baby. Originally posted on FF.net under the name bagelcat1

The chorus of Led Zeppelin’s “Ramble On” thundered into the main part of the bunker from the garage. Sam had no idea how Dean could listen at that kind of volume, but it seemed to make his brother happy. Leaning against the railing at the steps into the bunker he watched as Dean slid out from underneath the black car and wiped grease from his hands with a rag from his back pocket. The Impala had been more than a little beat up from the run in with the nachzehrer, but Dean was in his element, fixing up Baby. Sam still felt a little silly calling the car that - even in his head, but he couldn’t help but admit how much the car meant to both of them, so he let himself use the name Dean had bestowed upon the car.

The music was pounding out of the little, but powerful bluetooth speaker that Sam had given Dean as a gift. Both brother’s loved their music, but when the older Winchester was working on the car, earphones sometimes got in the way. Sam walked over to the speaker and turned down the volume. 

“Dude!” Dean griped at him “What?” 

“I can hear this in the library Dean!,” Sam said without any heat. Dean just shrugged and started digging through his toolbox for something. “Besides, don’t you get tired of the same songs over and over again?”

“These are classics Sammy, what’s to get tired of?,” his brother grinned. Sam had to smile slightly back at Dean. His enthusiasm was hard to squelch plus, big brother had a smear of grease on his face that gave him a lopsided mustache. “Sorry you’re taste in music is so crummy little bro. I don’t know how you stomach that emo crap you listen to," Dean teased, walking closer, not disappointed when Sam’s expression slid into one of his patented bitchfaces. 

“Hey, you shouldn’t criticize when your five favorite songs date from before you were born,” Sam huffed. “I bet I can list the top most played song on your Ipod, and you couldn’t even name a single song on mine.” Dean looked Sam in the eyes. Sam’s tone was light but Dean saw the flash of irritation, and maybe even a dash of hurt in his brother’s eyes. Sam was right about one thing. Dean had no idea about the music Sam liked, he didn’t even know his brother’s favourite song. Even when Sam drove and by the Winchester rule, was able to pick the music, he generally stayed in the classic rock genre or 80’s station, at least if Dean was awake. Sam was often doing considerate things like that, and like buying him the kick ass speaker that was still playing quietly in the background. Maybe he should make more of an effort.

“Tell you what Sam, I’ll get cleaned up and make some lunch and you can play me your top five songs.” Sam looked dubiously at him. “I mean it, I’ll listen to all five and I won’t make any gagging noises. Promise.” 

“Really Dean, you’re going to listen to my music and not roll your eyes or complain?” 

“Well, no matter how bad it is, it can’t actually kill me,” Dean said as he tossed the rag into the bin and brushed past Sam into the bunker. “Meet me in the library half an hour.”


	2. Grrrr

Sam turned off the speaker and carried it back into their home. He was surprised by Dean’s sudden willingness to connect with Sam that way. Or maybe he wasn’t really. The hunt they had just finished and were still recovering from had helped them get back to being brothers again. Dean hadn’t freaked out at him when Sam had finally revealed that he had been infected by the rabid virus from the Darkness cloud, and then his brother had even shared his dreams about Dad. Even being teased about his hookup with the waitress was the sort of big brother behaviour Sam always felt comforted by. It was nice to feel closer to Dean right now. Sure Cas was still sick and Metatron was still in the wind and God knows what they could do to find and stop Amara, but for these few weeks, it had been pretty close to perfect. Or as close as a Winchester could get.

Sam swung by his room to get his phone and then settled back at the library table where he had been researching. He cleared a place for lunch and connected the speaker to his phone while waiting for Dean. His brother walked in with a tray of sandwiches and a couple of beers. 

“How’s Cas?,” Sam asked, knowing that Dean would had brought the angel some lunch and checked on him before sitting down himself to eat.

“Fine, still tired, but he’s doing OK.” Dean popped open his beer and picked up his sandwich. “OK Sammy, play me song number five.”

Now that he had everything set up, Sam had a moment of panic. The songs that he listened to held a lot of meaning to him, and he suddenly wasn’t sure that he wanted to bare his soul to Dean through the lyrics. At least the 5th song wasn’t too emotionally charged - at least not for him. Sam hit play and the opening riff of “Eye of the Tiger” began pulsing out of the speak. 

“Oh come one!,” choked Dean around a mouthful of ham and cheese. 

Sam tried not to smirk. “This one reminds me of you when you had that ghost sickness and you were too afraid to have a room on the fourth floor.”

“So me having a supernatural illness that almost killed me is good times to you?,” Dean glowered.

“No, but you performing air drums to try and stay calm is quintessentially you Dean. After all, you have always used music to calm yourself down.”

“I do not!,” protested Dean. Although he would rather be re-infected with ghost sickness than admit it out loud to Sam, he knew that he did have a tendency to hum Metallica when anxious. “Eat your sandwich Sam,” Dean huffed at his brother patiently waiting for the song to end.

Sam smiled and took a bite. Both men chewed and swallowed in silence as the song wrapped up. Dean sighed barely suppressing an eye roll. “OK, play number four.”


	3. Pretender

Swallowing slightly, Sam hesitated, taking a swig of his beer before pushing play. He was a little apprehensive about this song. To him, it represented the love and safety that being with Dean always gave him. Knowing that his big brother always had his back, and that Sam would always have his, was a cornerstone of their relationship. But Sam knew that Dean would find this song girly. The rich voice of Chrissie Hynde swelled out of the speaker as “I’ll Stand by You” began.

Sam sneaked a look at Dean, but his brother was silently sipping his beer as the lyrics filled the library.

Oh, why you look so sad, the tears are in your eyes,  
Come on and come to me now, and don't be ashamed to cry,  
Let me see you through, 'cause I've seen the dark side too.  
When the night falls on you, you don't know what to do,  
Nothing you confess could make me love you less,  
I'll stand by you,  
I'll stand by you, won't let nobody hurt you,  
I'll stand by you

That line “Nothing you confess, could make me love you less” had comforted Sam through many a dark hour when he thought about all the bad he had done in his life and all the guilt he felt about the times he screwed up and, more importantly, let Dean down. The idea that his brother could still love him no matter what, had kept Sam going - sometimes when nothing else really could. Sam darted a look at Dean only to see his brother looking right at him. 

“Good song,” was all Dean said out loud, but his eyes said a lot more. He could see why this song was in Sam’s top five. The next verse was ultimately some version of everything Sam had said to him when he was dealing with the Mark of Cain. 

So if you're mad, get mad, don't hold it all inside,  
Come on and talk to me now.  
Hey there, what you got to hide?  
I get angry too, well, I'm alive like you.  
When you're standing at the crossroads,  
And don't know which path to choose,  
Let me come along, 'cause even if you're wrong  
I'll stand by you

Everything Sam had done to save him rushed into his head. When Dean had lost all of his humanity and tried to kill his baby brother, Sam had refused to let him go, had done everything in his power to save him, even when Dean had become a black eyed monster. Dean took another sip of his beer and cleared the thickness that had developed in his throat.

The music faded to a close and Dean pushed himself to his feet. “D’ya want another beer?,” he asked his brother as he strode towards the kitchen, not waiting for a reply. He needed a second and a trip to the fridge gave him a chance to get his emotions in check again.


	4. Jess

A minute later Dean put a bottle in front of his brother and retook his chair. Propping his feet up on a second chair with feigned nonchalance, Dean gestured towards the speaker as he opened his fresh beer. “OK, let’s hear number three.” When no music was forthcoming, Dean looked at his brother, “Sam?”

“Uh, maybe we can skip this one, I know you won’t like it.” 

Sam ducked his head so that his hair would shadow his face, but not before Dean saw the sadness in his brother’s eyes. Dean braced himself for another emotional moment, but he owed Sam this, so he shook his head. “Nope, let’s hear it.” A gentle jazzy piano began to play and Dean watched Sam’s face. Dean didn’t really recognize the song but he saw that distant look creep into Sam’s eyes and knew that Sam was revisiting a memory.

As the opening bars of “Come Away with Me” by Norah Jones filled the library, Sam’s mind filled with Jessica. 

They had been dating for a few weeks and it had been wonderful, but Sam had been going slow because he didn’t want to blow things with this amazing girl. He was sure that at any second she would recognize him as the messed up freak he really was. So, when Jessica had invited him over to make him dinner while her roommate was out of town for a few days, he swore he was going to be a perfect gentleman. But Jessica had other plans. She met him at the door in a pale pink dress that clung to her every curve. Her hair was down in a cloud of soft golden curls and when she softly took his hand and led him to the bedroom, it was like following an angel. The room was lit only with candles, her skin glowing in the flickering light and her blue eyes sparkling. Sam had never seen anyone so beautiful and when she pulled his face down for a deep and tender kiss, he thought his heart would break with joy and love right then. They made love for the first time and afterwards, as Jess lay in his arms, her glorious hair draped across his chest, this song had been on the stereo. 

Dean watched his brother. Sam’s hazel eyes were bright with unshed tears and a small, sad, sweet smile crept onto Sam’s face. Dean knew this song was connected to Jessica. It was almost 10 years since her death, but Dean knew that Sam loved her still. Watching his brother remember Jess made Dean’s heart ache for Sam. As the song ended, he pulled his feet to the floor and reached over the table to put his hand on Sam’s arm. Sam’s eyes slowly refocused and he smiled at his brother’s hand. How like Dean to offer comfort without words. Dean patted his arm and Sam knew that he didn’t have to explain what the song meant. He cleared his throat and took a deep breath smiling shakily up at his older brother. Dean smiled back and withdrew his hand. He picked up his beer bottle and tilted it towards his brother. “To Jessica.” 

Sam lifted his own bottle and clinked it gently. “To Jess,” he agreed and took a long drink. After a few moments, Sam pulled himself together. “So, on to number two?” he asked.

“Sure.” Dean relaxed back into the chair.


	5. Lullaby and breaking

“This one is obvious,” Sam said and clicked play. “Hey Jude” began. Dean smiled. “You used to sing this to me when I was little, and I know that Mom used to sing it to you. Sometimes I listen to it when I try to go to sleep.” It was a warm comforting memory and nights when nightmares threatened, sometimes Sam would stave them off with this melody, at least for a few hours.

“Yup,” was all Dean said, but he began to nod his head a little to the music. Dean was pleased that this song meant as much to Sam as it did to him. Sometimes when Dean was looking at a long night too keyed up to sleep, sure that nightmares were waiting for him if he closed his eyes, he would listen to this song and think of fond memories. Maybe it wasn’t in his top five - because he wasn’t the sensitive girl-man that Sam was, but it was up there. This song was something he was happy to share with his brother. 

As the final Nah nah nah nah nah nah’s of the song faded to silence, Sam started to get nervous. The lyrics to this next song had the potential to cause an argument or even worse, hurt his brother. Before he could play the last song he had to at least attempt to lay the groundwork with Dean. 

“Um, I…,” Sam stuttered to a stop, not sure of how to address this. Dean’s green eyes were soft and steady on his face as the older Winchester patiently waited. Sam huffed out a breath and tried again. “Sometimes when I think about my life, and all the screwed up crap that I’ve done, it’s hard for me to...uh stay positive. The demon blood thing, starting the apocalypse, what I did when my soul was missing, failing to complete the Trials, Kevin….Charlie...” Sam whispered to a stop. He choked down the burning in his chest and blinked his eyes to clear the wetness that had again gathered in them. Dean opened his mouth to say something but Sam shook his head, letting his brother know that he wasn’t done. 

“I’ve tried hard to find a way to keep going, to get up everyday, to do my job, and to be what you need. And generally I’m OK, I can do that. I can keep grinding. But sometimes, I just can’t find a way to forgive myself. This song...helps.” Sam felt like he hadn’t really captured what he had wanted to say accurately, but when he saw Dean’s eyes tighten, he just couldn’t face whatever Dean would say. Pressing play, Sam jumped to his feet, grabbed the dirty plates from the table and fled back into the kitchen. It was cowardly, but he felt terribly exposed and just needed a moment before facing Dean’s reaction.

Dean almost jumped up to follow Sam into the kitchen, both worried about his brother and yet wanting to shake some sense into the kid. But he was also curious to hear the song that obviously meant so much to Sam. A woman’s voice began singing softly.

I can hold my breath  
I can bite my tongue  
I can stay awake for days  
If that’s what you want  
Be your number one

I can fake a smile  
I can force a laugh  
I can dance and play the part  
If that’s what you ask  
Give you all I am

I can do it  
I can do it  
I can do it

But I’m only human  
And I bleed when I fall down  
I’m only human  
And I crash and I break down  
Your words in my head, knives in my heart  
You build me up and then I fall apart  
'Cause I’m only human, yeah

I can turn it on  
Be a good machine  
I can hold the weight of worlds  
If that’s what you need  
Be your everything

I can do it  
I can do it  
I'll get through it

But I’m only human  
And I bleed when I fall down  
I’m only human  
And I crash and I break down  
Your words in my head, knives in my heart  
You build me up and then I fall apart  
'Cause I’m only human, yeah

I’m only human  
I’m only human  
Just a little human

I can take so much  
Until I’ve had enough

‘Cause I’m only human  
And I bleed when I fall down  
I’m only human  
And I crash and I break down  
Your words in my head, knives in my heart  
You build me up and then I fall apart  
‘Cause I’m only human, yeah

As the music faded Dean shook his head and scrubbed a rough hand across his face. Sammy was the strongest man Dean had ever known. What his brother had done, what he had sacrificed to save him, hell, save the entire world. It was mind blowing and Dean was so proud and awed by him. And the kid had suffered unimaginably for his sacrifices, despite Dean’s best efforts, he had suffered blow after blow and loss after loss since he was just a baby. And yet what would have broken a lesser man had only made Sam’s basic nature more kind and trusting and good. Of course he felt like it was too much sometimes. Of course Sammy would break and bleed and fall apart. But didn’t the kid know that he didn’t need to put on the game face for Dean? Dean would always have his back, would never stop helping his baby brother put the pieces back together - no matter what. 

When Dean entered the kitchen Sam was facing the sink, his knuckles white with tension where he gripped the edge of the counter. His shoulders were hunched and his curtain of hair hid his face. Dean just stood there, looking for the words to tell the person he loved most in the world that it was ok to be human. “I’m sorry,” Sam whispered still facing away from his brother.

That drove Dean the few steps to Sam’s side. He leaned up against the counter beside Sam, gently bumping his shoulder. “You don’t need to be sorry, Sammy. It’s Ok.” Drawing a shuddering breath, Sam tucked his hair behind his ear and gave Dean a quick glance. Turning Dean ducked his head to catch and hold Sam’s eyes with his own.

“Anytime you need to fall apart and be human, I’m right here. I’m not going anywhere ever again. You don’t need to protect me or hide anything, not anymore. Whatever happens, we’re in this together kiddo.” 

Sam turned to face his brother, searching the apple green depths of his eyes for proof that Dean had meant those precious words. Seeing nothing but honesty and compassion in his brother’s expression Sam released a breath he didn’t even realize he had been holding. “Same goes for you too,” he said almost shyly, a small smile starting to turn his lips up. Dean put a firm hand on Sam’s shoulder and offered a comforting squeeze and his own smile. The two brothers looked at each other and without words felt the lifelong unbreakable love and commitment they had for one another. 

After a minute, Dean patted Sam’s shoulder and turned away. “Alright Sammy, I gotta get back to fixing Baby. I need a little axle grease and some ‘Zepplin before I turn into a giant girl.” he chuckled as he turned and headed towards the garage. Sam smiled at his brother’s back and padded back to the library to continue his research.

The End.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All songs referenced and/or quoted belong to those creative folks who wrote/sang them. I use them with respect and love.
> 
> Ramble On - Led Zeppelin  
> Eye of the Tiger - Survivor, Frankie Sullivan, Jim Peterik  
> I'll Stand By You - Chrissie Hynde, Tom Kelly, and Billy Steinberg, and the Pretenders  
> Come Away With Me - Norah Jones  
> Hey Jude - John Lennon, Paul McCartney, and The Beatles  
> Human - Christina Perri


End file.
